Placebo Effect

I am not coming to this essay trying to shove something down your throat. Like you, I have searched and searched for the answer, but even in my hours of
near-death, I found the same answers as you.


I believe I have been given a second chance for a reason but I’m not asking you to believe in something that fundamentally contradicts itself. I believe what I
believe, it’s just that I call mine poetry, you have another name for this mystery, let’s leave it at that-a mystery. Mysteries are named so because they want to be left alone; If we find out what the mystery is then that’s the end. Like poetry, you get something from it, then leave the rest alone for another day, you will receive something else from the same thing don’t bury it and kill the mystery. It’s about you and how you feel today, everything you receive depends on your mood, how positive and negative you are. You have the power to change your life for the better but it’s up to you. The power of positive thought is an amazing determination; tell yourself you can do it.


I’m looking for the answers like everyone else but no self-help book will give me the answers. At the end of the day they are the authors words, it’s the name he or she places on it, it’s his answer but who are you called, what’s your name and most importantly what’s your answer? It’s in you, look at yourself! When I was in the embrace of death there were always questions I needed answering.


I remember waking up one night in a cold sweat from a dream. There was a crowd of doctors around me administering drugs. I thought I had died and this was my hell, but I came to realise that heaven and hell are the same place it’s how we think of them, they both exist in your mind but it’s up to you how you paint them - positive or negative. You can walk away if you want. I remember, many years ago, being kicked to the ground in Lurgan one night withseven guys kicking and thumping me and I had a beer bottle in my hand. I thought of smashing it over the ring-leader’s head but instead I threw it away, I rolled up into a ball and took the beating. If I had smashed that bottle over his head I would be dead, not here now writing this essay. It’s up to you- your life says what lane it takes.


As Robert Frost said, ‘Always take the road less travelled by.’ Life can be affirming. It’s up to you and what you bring to it, so paint your picture with a beautiful sunrise or sunset and you can’t go wrong. Alright I’ll never be 100% the person I was,but I’m alive. I have someone to thank for that, even if it’s me, my friends and family. I believe in them and they believe in me; that’s what I call the power of healing the positive force within . The beauty in this is that there is an alternative, with every other form of religion there is no other way. The beauty is not to ask people to believe in what you believe in. Whatever happened to diversity? Believe in whatever you want to, it’s your right. If he or it paints your day so be it, that’s your positive force.


This past year has been the worst I have ever encountered. The stroke came without warning .I was on the edge of the bed, then I was on the floor shaking. I didnt know what was happening. I crawled into my mother’s room and asked her what was happening ;she told me I was taking a stroke. She phoned the doctor. All I can remember is being rushed to Intensive Care. I had ‘Locked in Syndrome.’ I knew what to say but hadn’t the power to communicate. I was flat on my back and could only move my eyes I was so afraid it was uncanny. I thought everyone was out to get me, without the power to resist. I really did believe I would go out in a wooden box.


I remembered an experience from childhood. I was running along a mossy pier in cushendall when I slipped and fell into the water. I was trying to get out of there. I feared I would die but when I looked around it was beautiful in there, the seaweed was dancing and for a second it was beautiful. An american tourist dived in, pulled me out and the water from my lungs. Since that day I have never met you but thank you for being there at that moment. It felt like I was lost walking around in a field of nothing, then i woke up with friends around me. I don’t let on to know the answers to life, I am just like you,a searcher of the truth and lying there in that hospital bed I realised that there is no great light that I’m drawn towards-just the people who loved me for their own reasons not mine. this wasn’t the time to be selfish but to take people as they were. Someone once said ‘Never judge your enemy it clouds your judgement.’


The power of positive thought is everywhere it’s what they see in you. These are the positive thoughts I have produced. I’m not looking for sympathy or pity-you can keep it. All I ask is that you read this and determine your own answers, not one that’s shoved down your throat. I hope this is your placebo effect. id like to finish with a line by leonard cohen that sums up what I have said, ‘theres a crack a crack in everything thats how the light gets